Stay-At-Home Mom Divorce: Your Rights, Alimony, How To Prep

Stay-at-home parents sacrifice a lot to be homemakers. When stay-at-home moms divorce, they face particularly tough challenges. Their spouse may have more money to hire a lawyer, and they may struggle to find a job post divorce if they don't have the necessary education or job history.

If you're a stay-at-home mom who wants a divorce, knowing your rights and what to expect may help you get a favorable outcome.

Stay-at-home mom divorce rights

Stay-at-home moms have the same divorce rights as other parents.

Married parents have equal parental rights until a court rules otherwise. That means both have the right to spend time with their child and make decisions on the child's behalf. They also have equal responsibility to care for the child.

Your spouse cannot force you to leave the marital home without a court order. In fact, leaving without the court ordering you to could backfire. The court may see it as you giving up the home to your spouse. If you leave your children, it could also work against you when seeking custody orders.

You can generally keep anything that you had in your name before the marriage. But if it became more valuable during the marriage, the court could give your spouse part of the appreciated value. Rights regarding marital property vary by where you live (more below).

You will have a right to collect child support if you remain your child's primary caretaker. You might also have the right to collect alimony.

How to prepare for divorce as a stay-at-home mom

Preparation is essential when divorcing, especially if you're a SAHM. Do the following to get a leg up.

Get professional help

Divorce lawyers have the knowledge and experience to guide you through divorce. Consult with a lawyer, or if you can't afford a lawyer, reach out to your local legal aid office. If you qualify for legal aid, a lawyer or law student can provide pro bono (free) representation throughout your divorce.

Some other professionals who could help:

• Divorce coaches offer support and guidance before, during and after divorce.
• Therapists help you talk through your emotions and lend a ear for you to vent. They can help your child as well.
• Appraisers help you figure out the value of your property.

Do your research

When a stay-at-home mom wants a divorce, they should do their own research even if they will have legal help.

Research family laws in your jurisdiction online and at your local law library. Law libraries give you access to family code and court records from past cases. These resources are especially valuable if you plan to represent yourself in court.

Browse divorce articles online for general information about filing, divorce procedures and more.

Look into co-parenting software that can help you make a plan for co-parenting your children post divorce. We recommend Custody X Change.

Consider your options for divorcing

Divorcing SAHMs often expect litigation, but there are alternative dispute resolution methods.

The method you choose influences the cost and length of the divorce process.

DIY divorce: You do everything yourself. This is usually for uncontested divorce — meaning you and your spouse agree on all terms of the divorce. Your court may have DIY divorce packets on their website. There are also online services that provide paperwork for a flat fee. In the latter case, make sure your court will accept the paperwork.

Mediation: A mediator helps you and your spouse talk through your differences to create a divorce agreement. Your court may require you to attend mediation after you file for divorce without a full agreement.

Collaborative divorce: A team of professionals helps spouses negotiate a divorce agreement. Each spouse has a lawyer to represent them. Other professionals, like financial planners and child therapists, round out the team.

Limited representation: A lawyer gives you legal advice, reviews paperwork and helps you prepare for court, but does not attend court or talk to your spouse or their attorney. This is only recommended if you have a simple case.

Trial: A judge decides the terms of your divorce based on evidence presented by you and your spouse. Witnesses may appear to support each side's arguments. You should have a lawyer if you go to trial, though it's not required.

Figure out what you want

As part of your divorce complaint, you'll need to specify what you want in your divorce judgment. For example:

• Assets (e.g., homes, stocks, businesses)
• Alimony
• Child custody
• Child support
• Attorney and court fees

You'll need to know what type of custody you want. You'll choose joint physical custody or sole physical custody, and joint legal custody or sole legal custody.

If your spouse is abusive or has threatened you or your children with violence, you could seek an order to remove them from the family home. You might also request a restraining order and emergency custody.

Gather documents

Divorce involves a lot of paperwork. Start gathering information early.

You'll need:

• Marriage certificate
• Child's birth certificate
• Parenting plan
• Financial documents (e.g., bank and credit card statements)
• Information about retirement accounts
• Loan statements
• List of income sources
• Documents related to housing (e.g., lease or mortgage)
• Documents related to businesses you or your spouse own
• Insurance policy information (i.e., health and life insurance)
• Tax records

You'll likely have a court appearance to set the value of assets. Make a list of your valuables. Separate property you had before the marriage from property acquired during the marriage.

Protect your sensitive information

If you and your spouse are living in the same home, find a way to keep private information about your case private. Get a P.O. box, or have your mail sent to a friend or family member's home.

Also, create an email account separate from your spouse's if you don't have one already.

You might also want to change your social media passwords if your spouse has access. Even if you block your spouse on social media, don't post about your case or say anything mean about your spouse. It could backfire in court.

You may start an individual bank account so you have financial independence. This is especially important if you think your spouse will freeze you out of your joint account or if they've been financially abusive. But consult with a lawyer first. Even if you have a separate account, the court may still rule it belongs to both spouses.

Plan for the future

Stay-at-home moms who want a divorce should plan ahead to ensure they can provide for themselves and their children.

• Determine your post-divorce budget.
• Get health insurance for you and your children.
• Look into state assistance if needed (e.g., Medicaid, food stamps).
• Prepare a resume.
• Start a job search.
• Look into earning a degree.
• View your credit score and credit report.
• Make a plan to build credit (e.g., getting a credit card).
• Build an emergency fund covering three to six months of expenses.

What type of custody will a stay-at-home mom get?

When SAHMs divorce, a common fear is that they will lose custody because they have less income than their spouse or because of court bias against mothers. But this fear is often unfounded.

Stay-at-home moms often have a better chance of getting sole custody than their spouses because courts try to keep living arrangements the same to help the child cope with divorce.

However, sole custody is not guaranteed. You'll need to prove in court that it's in the child's best interests or reach an agreement with the other parent. The other parent would have regular visits if safe for the child.

Many courts have moved toward encouraging joint custody to keep both parents regularly involved in their child's life. Many stay-at-home moms want this, too. You could reach an agreement or ask the court for joint custody.

Ultimately, the court's decision depends on the unique circumstances of your case.

How much alimony does a stay-at-home mom get?

SAHMs are likely to get more alimony than working moms because they have less income. However, the amount of alimony (if any) depends on the case.

You and your spouse can agree on alimony (also called spousal support or maintenance) and get a judge's approval. If you let the court decide, it will consider factors like:

• Each spouse's income
• The length of the marriage
• Your standard of living during the marriage

Your location also influences the amount. We did a study that found alimony varies widely for each U.S. state. A typical divorce could end with alimony ranging from $0 to $1,381 a month depending on the state.

Consider that there's temporary, short-term and long-term alimony.

• Temporary alimony is paid during the divorce process.
• Short-term alimony is paid for a certain amount of time post divorce. You might get short-term alimony if your marriage didn't last long or you need support while looking for a job or earning a degree.
• Long-term alimony is paid when it's unlikely the former spouse can ever support themself because of age, health or how long they were married. It's becoming less common.

In many locations, you'll stop receiving alimony if you remarry, unless you and your ex agree otherwise.

What property is a SAHM entitled to?

The most complex part of divorce is the division of marital assets (i.e., property and debt). It's extremely important to have an attorney who understands property division so you get what you're entitled to.

What counts as property

Marital property covers two categories: real property (land, homes, buildings, etc.) and personal property (moveable assets, such as cars, furniture and bank accounts).

There's also separate property, which are assets (and debts) spouses either got before the marriage, after separation, or during the marriage as inheritance or a gift. Courts tend to let spouses keep separate property unless it is in both spouses' names. But if the value increased during marriage, the other spouse could get part of the increased value.

How property gets divided

Spouses decide the division themselves if they reach a divorce agreement or have a prenuptial or postnuptial agreement. Without an agreement, the court decides.

The division of assets depends on where you live.

In the U.S., most states consider marital assets common law property. They try to distribute assets equitably (but not necessarily equally). The court considers factors like how long the marriage lasted and each spouses' needs and contributions. Staying at home to raise your children is a marital contribution.

The U.K. follows a similar principle, though they distinguish between long and short marriages. If the marriage lasted longer than five years, stay-at-home moms will likely get enough assets to support themselves and their children long-term. Stay-at-home moms who have shorter marriages may not get as much.

Some U.S. states consider all marital assets community property that should be split evenly. These states are Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, New Mexico, Nevada, Texas, Washington and Wisconsin. Spouses can opt in to community property law in Alaska, Florida, Kentucky, South Dakota and Tennessee.

Who gets the marital home

When it comes to property, the main concern of divorcing SAHMs is often the house.

Under common law property law, the court may:

• Order spouses to sell the home, use the money to pay off the mortgage, then split any remaining profit
• Give the home to one spouse, who must get a new mortgage under their name (The spouse who loses their right to the home often gets a greater share of other assets.)
• Give spouses joint ownership (rare)

Under community property law, spouses are often given an equal share of the home. Options they have include:

• Buy out their spouse's share of the home so they become the sole owner
• Sell the house and split the profits 50/50
• Ask the court to delay the sale of the home and remain shared owners in the meantime (Parents often choose this option so their kids don't have to move so soon after divorce. The custodial parent gets to stay in the home.)

What debts will a stay-at-home mom have to pay?

Each spouse is solely responsible for the debt they incurred before marriage. They can agree on how to split debt incurred during the marriage or let the court decide.

Under common law property law, a spouse may become responsible for a larger portion of marital debt if they have a higher income or are given more property.

Under community property law, debt is usually divided 50/50.

If you're a stay-at-home mom divorcing a narcissist

Divorcing a narcissist is complicated. When you go to court, you'll want to provide evidence to show what you've been dealing with.

Document interactions to preserve the truth. It's common for narcissists to lie to get what they want. Print out messages, record video, etc. to show the narcissist's persistent behaviors.

Narcissists are often unwilling to compromise, so it's more likely your case will go to trial. Consider hiring a custody evaluator. They will interview you, your spouse, your child and those who know you to paint a complete picture of your situation. They will also make a custody recommendation to the court based on their findings.

It's important to have an experienced attorney in your corner if you're a stay-at-home mom divorcing a narcissist. It's even better if the lawyer has experience dealing with narcissistic spouses.

In the meantime, set boundaries to protect your sanity. Don't respond to every single message they send. Ignore their outbursts. Only correspond as it relates to your case or your child's care.

Divorce tips for stay-at-home moms

• Be proactive. Who files for divorce first can impact the case.
• Don't let yourself be bullied into an unfair agreement. Prioritize your child's needs and yours.
• Before signing off on a divorce agreement, get a lawyer or legal aid group to review it.
• Look out for yourself emotionally and physically. Spend time with your kids, exercise, eat healthily, hang out with friends, etc.
• Don't vent to your kids or give them too many details about the divorce. Talk to a therapist, family member or friend instead.
• Answer your child's questions without going into detail. Let them know of any upcoming changes that will impact their routine or living situation.
• Don't allow negative feelings towards your spouse to interfere with your child's relationship with the other parent.
• Find a way to co-parent during the divorce. Reach a temporary custody agreement with your spouse or ask the court to decide on a temporary order.

The easiest way for stay-at-home moms to gather evidence for custody

Preparation is crucial to a smooth divorce, but it isn't always easy. SAHMs have to balance divorce preparation with looking after their little ones.

Custody X Change allows you to gather the best evidence for custody from your phone or computer.

Evidence you might file in a divorce involving custody includes:

• A proposed parenting plan
• Proposed parenting time schedules
• A calendar of your child's activities
• A printout of messages exchanged with the other parent
• A log of your child's expenses
• A parenting journal

You can customize this with Custody X Change.

The Custody X Change online app lets you create all of these in one place. It makes sure you're ready to get what's best for your child.