How to Get a Skeptical Spouse to the Mediation Table
When spouses decide to call a marriage quits, it's usually because they don't see eye to eye on a few things. That means they might not agree on the best path forward.
You may feel that mediation makes the most sense for your family's situation, while your spouse is leaning toward litigation. If they are on the fence about joining you in mediation, you may be able to convince them to give it a shot.
5 experts explain the benefits of choosing mediation
Convincing a person to try something they are apprehensive about isn't easy, especially when they are skeptical of your intentions. Instead of using your words, you can show them what the experts say.
You work toward the same goal
If you aren't in a high-conflict situation and neither of you are contesting the divorce, then you are already on the same page somewhat. You agree that it's time to move on from your marriage.
One of the major selling points of mediation is that you start off working together instead of splitting into two opposing sides.
Divorce lawyer Rachel Gruetzner explains, "Mediation allows parents to avoid some of the traditional contentiousness that exists when there is active litigation. Resolving these matters in mediation garners good will between the parties, and helps them establish that they can co-parent successfully once they are one family split into two households."
You've decided together that it's time to end your marriage, so use that momentum and continue working together to get to where you both want to go.
You get a more fine-tuned parenting plan
No two families are the same. Unfortunately, when you leave divorce and custody to a court, you often get treated like you are just another one of the many families that have been in and out of that courtroom before.
Mediation lets you take the decisions about your family into your own hands, including the fine details about what goes in your parenting plan and how you will arrange your custody schedule.
Meghan Freed of Freed Marcroft Family Law says, "A mediated divorce provides an opportunity for both parties to work together to create a divorce settlement that works best for them, rather than have one designed and imposed on them by a court. This means it is possible that a creative family plan can be created that is tailored to the specific needs of the family — a huge benefit to families whose needs do not 'fit' into the system."
You and your soon-to-be ex-spouse know what your children need much better than a judge does. This is another reason why working together might be better than taking an adversarial approach.
You can get expert advice
A major point of contention from many spouses who are skeptical of mediation is that they don't feel like they have enough information or that they are underrepresented. That's just a misunderstanding of how the mediation process works.
Professional divorce mediator and lawyer Eileen Coen recommends, "You may (and should!) exercise your right to consult with attorneys, CPAs and other professionals during the mediation process so that you're able to make informed decisions. You and your spouse will be able to weigh professional advice along with all of your other interests and priorities — and often, parties craft better agreements that more effectively meet their family's needs than a court is able to order by law."
Mediation does not mean you forfeit your rights to legal representation and third-party expertise.
You don't need to accept the results
A important aspect of mediation for your spouse to know is that the outcome isn't final unless you both want it to be.
Matrimonial lawyer Regina DeMeo explains, "The best way to convince a skeptical spouse to try mediation is to emphasize that this a nonbinding and confidential process. The mediator helps guide the parties in focused discussions about the legal issues without making any decisions, and any offers made are not admissible in court."
DeMeo emphasizes, "Each party still has a right to seek counsel before signing the agreement."
You can choose to litigate if you don't like the result of mediation, and none of what is discussed in mediation is public. It's truly a win-win, so there's not much reason not to give it a try.
It won't break the bank
If none of the above is enough to convince your husband or wife to give mediation a chance, then maybe this last benefit will do the trick. It's one of mediation's biggest pros: Mediation is unquestionably much less costly than litigation.
Author and lawyer Alexis Moore clarifies, "Mediation is much less costly than typical family law proceedings, and when going through a family law situation, costs can easily reach $100,000 within the first year depending on the personality types of the couple, the assets and the issues involved."
How much cheaper is it? The cost of mediation varies, but litigation can be upward of ten times as expensive.
Heading into mediation prepared
Once your spouse agrees to join you in divorce mediation, make it worthwhile by heading into the first session prepared.
Bring a parenting plan that clearly illustrates the custody arrangement you feel would be best for your child. Arriving with a thought-out plan can guide discussions, save you time and make you much likelier to reach an agreement.
Creating a parenting plan on your own can feel overwhelming, so use technology to take the guesswork out of the equation. The Custody X Change app walks you through each step of creating a plan.
You can customize this to fit your situation with Custody X Change.
The result will be a professional document you can present at mediation.
You can customize this to fit your situation with Custody X Change.