Platonic Parenting Guide | Elective Co-Parents

Do you want to be a parent but can't find the right partner? Platonic parenting could work for you. This unique arrangement allows you to raise a child with another person — without having a romantic relationship.

What is platonic parenting?

Platonic parenting means co-parenting with a friend, acquaintance or even a stranger. People often platonically parent with friends they've known for some time or use apps to find people who are looking for the same arrangement.

Platonic families may live together or separately. There might even be more than two parents involved if allowed in your jurisdiction.

Reasons you might opt for platonic parenting include:

• You're exhausted from trying to find the "one" to have a child with.
• You want a child without the obligations of a romantic relationship.
• You're at an age where there might not be much time left to conceive.
• You're a single parent who wants help raising their child.
• You want a child but need more financial support.

Children of platonic families are adopted (second-parent adoption is common) or conceived via IVF, surrogacy or traditional means.

Children can benefit from elective co-parenting. Although they may not see their parents being romantically affectionate towards one another, they still get to experience an intact, supportive family.

Considerations for platonic co-parenting

Choosing elective co-parenting should come after you've thought deeply about your chosen co-parent and how you will carry out the arrangement.

Parenting views

Potential platonic parents should have serious discussions about their timeline for having a child and their parenting philosophies and expectations. You'll also need to discuss things like whether you'll raise the child with religion and where you want the child to go to school. You could go to counseling so a professional can facilitate the conversation.

Parenting expenses

One benefit of platonic parenting is easing the financial burden of raising a child. Plan exactly how you'll split child-related expenses (e.g., 50/50). Break it down by category, from clothing to healthcare expenses.

Involvement of new partners

What happens if someone gets a new partner? Lay down rules for introducing new partners to your child, living with the new partner, integrating the partner into co-parenting and more. Specify whether partners will eventually be able to gain parental rights of the child.

Living arrangements

Platonic families may live together or separately. Some may even opt to rent or buy a home where the child lives full-time while parents take turns living there (called birdnesting). If you'll live apart, create a visitation schedule.

Boundaries

Make sure you both understand the relationship is and will remain platonic. It might not be wise to carry through if one potential parent has romantic feelings that are not reciprocated; it could lead to a breakdown of the platonic relationship and a custody battle.

Resolving disagreements

Platonic parents can have conflict like other relationships. Make a plan for what you'll do when you can't agree. Will you seek professional help (e.g., mediation or parenting coordination)? Or assign a friend or family member to be the "tiebreaker"?

Platonic co-parenting legal issues

It's highly recommended you speak to an attorney before pursuing platonic parenting. Each parent should have their own representation to ensure fairness.

A lawyer can help you create a platonic parenting agreement (also called a preconception agreement) that outlines how the arrangement will work. If you've already conceived, they can help with a prebirth agreement. Even if your agreement is not legally enforceable, it can serve as evidence of your joint intentions should you go to court.

A lawyer can also help ensure you're recognized as the legal parent of your child. Legal parentage gives you the right to physical custody and legal custody of your child, and gives your child the right to collect an inheritance from you.

Generally, if both platonic parents are biologically related to the child, they are considered the child's legal parents. If you're a nonbiological parent, you'll need to take extra steps in court to establish legal parentage.

Getting through your platonic pregnancy

Pregnancy is tough. If you haven't known your co-parent long, a platonic pregnancy may be especially challenging for the both of you. Try to appreciate its ups and downs as part of the parenthood experience.

Now is the time to start thinking and acting as co-parents. Get used to consulting each other on decisions, from what to add to the registry to which day care wait list to get on.

The other parent doesn't have rights during the pregnancy, so the pregnant parent decides how to involve them. You might bring them to appointments (maybe not every one since there can be a lot). You might give them access to your medical records or list them as your emergency contact.

If you're not living together, make sure the pregnant parent has a support person nearby. They can pick up groceries when Mom is feeling exhausted and pay a visit when she's feeling overwhelmed.

Above all, try to stay positive. This will start your new platonic family off on the right foot, and your unborn baby will reap the benefits.

Managing platonic co-parenting

Like standard co-parenting arrangements, platonic co-parenting requires lots of organization.

The Custody X Change app has the tools you need to manage your co-parenting relationship.

• Create a parenting time schedule so you'll know when your child should be with either parent (if you're living separately).
• Maintain an activities calendar so you always know what events are coming up and who's responsible for getting the child there.
• Track parenting expenses so you know who paid for what and who owes what.
• Store your child's information (i.e., clothing size, teachers) in one easily-accessible place.

Use technology to manage your platonic family.