Child Custody & Visitation Blog

Figuring out the child visitation schedule is tricky for any situation, but when one parent moves out of state it gets even more complicated. However, a parent moving out of state doesn’t mean a schedule can’t be figured out. Parents just need to be more creative in implementing visitation and contact between the children and parents.

Before moving out of state, a parent should assess the custody situation. If the parent who wants to move does not have custody of the children, they should discuss the move with the custodial parent. Determining a schedule will be much easier if both parents are on the same page about visitation. This means that the parent who wants to move needs to explain the necessity of the move to the other parent, along with explaining the desire to continue to see the child. In some cases, the parent may need to get permission from the court before moving. This is a good idea because it ensures that the parent will still have visitation rights.

If a custodial parent wants to move, they must get permission from the court and from the other parent. Because the custodial parent is most likely taking the child away from the parent, this can be more complicated. Again, the mother and father should discuss the necessity of the move and the benefits it will have for the children. The parent who is moving should ensure the other parent that they will still have visitation, and they should work together to make that happen.

Out of state child visitation schedules usually mean that the child visits the non-custodial parent less frequently for longer durations of time. A common arrangement is to have the children live with the custodial parent during the school year and visit the other parent during summers. If this long visit doesn’t work for the children (some children have activities during the summer, and older children sometimes get jobs) than the parents should work out a shorter vacation time to come and visit. Parents can also schedule longer visits during the breaks during the school year–like fall, Christmas, and spring break. This assumes that the child is old enough to travel alone.

Parents who live out of state can also visit the child in the child’s home state. This is a good idea when the parent’s traveling schedule is more flexible than the child’s. If this type of visit occurs, the parents need to work out where the visiting parent will stay, when they will see the children, etc.

Another option is to have the custodial parent and the child visit the state of the non-custodial parent. In this case, the custodial parent can have a vacation or break while the child visits with the other parent.

When determine out of state custody schedules, parents need to talk about how they will handle expenses. The parents need to decide how they will pay for the child to travel, the expense of the parents traveling, etc. This is an important issue to work out before visits start.

Fortunately, the technology of the day allows people to stay connected even when they live far away from each other. A parent who moves out of state should utilize any means to stay in contact with the child. The parent should call regularly–even have a schedule of when to call, communicate over email, send letters, get a computer camera and talk online, send text messages, etc. This way the parent can still be involved with the child.

To begin making the parenting plan, you can look at some parenting plan template examples to help you get started. Here are some basic issues that you should cover when making your plan.

The Child’s Residence

Choosing where the child lives can be one of the more difficult issues that you discuss. This decision must be made with the child’s best interest in mind. Generally, a plan will work better if both parents support where the child lives because there will be less fighting in the future and the parents won’t have to go to court. You can have the child live primarily with one parent, have the child split time between both parents’ homes, or have the child live in one home while the mother and father alternate time there (this is commonly called bird nesting). You must come up with a schedule that outlines when the child is with each parent. You should also determine where the child will be during holidays. (Look at some parenting plan calendar examples to get started on your schedule.)

Legal Custody

Legal custody is the right and responsibility that parents have to make decisions for their children. You need to make some sort of plan for how you and the other parent plan to divide or share this responsibility. A mother and father can both share legal custody, or the full responsibility can be given to one parent. If you decide to share legal custody, you need to determine how it is shared. You can give each parent certain categories to be responsible, both parents can discuss and agree on major decisions, the parents can be responsible for decisions when they have the child, etc.

Health Care

You must decide how you and the other parent will continue to provide medical and dental care for the child. This means that you must determine how the child will be covered by insurance, how you will pay medical expenses, how you will choose medical providers, and what you will do in a medical emergency.

Standards for Raising the Child

Children need consistency, and you and the child’s other parent must work together so the child has some consistency. There will be differences between the parents’ homes, but you can establish some guidelines in your parenting plan for raising the child. These guidelines can be common rules the households will share, like the requirement that the child always wears a seat belt in the car. The guidelines can also be rules about how parents will share information about the children.

Education

You must talk about the child’s education with the other parent and make some plans. In addition to discussing what school the child will attend, you need to determine how you will let your child participate in extra-curricular activities. You must also decide how you will pay for school expenses and extra-curricular expenses.  It is a good idea to come up with a plan for how you will both be involved in the child’s schooling–how you will participate in parent-teacher conferences, how you will handle problems should they come up, etc.

Resolving Disputes and Making Changes to the Plan

You should put provisions into the plan about how they will resolve future disputes and make changes to the plan. The idea behind this is to come up with a system that keeps you and the other parent out of court. You need to have some way that you will work out your differences. You can agree to go to mediation, follow a step-by-step procedure, or do anything else that will help. As your child grows older, it will be necessary to make changes to the plan so it better fits the child. Again, you need to have a system for how you will make those changes.

Have you decided to try a joint custody agreement for your custody situation? You are not alone. Many divorced and separated parents try to put their children first be adopting a joint agreement to raise the children. This is often the right solution to some difficult questions.

Basically, a joint custody agreement means that the mother and father will share the responsibilities of raising the children. This means that they both participate in making the decisions for the children, and they both spend time with them. Because the custody and visitation schedule is such an important part of the agreement, parents who want a joint agreement need to make a schedule that goes along with this.

A joint custody schedule doesn’t mean that each parent gets exactly half of the time with the children. Instead, it means that the mother and father both have significant time with the child so that both parents can develop a strong relationship with the child. A schedule should be made that gives both the mother and father ample time to be with the child.

One of the biggest factors that affects visitation schedules for joint custody is the child’s school schedule. Children who are not yet in school are more flexible and visitation is usually set up around the parents’ schedules. Once children attend school, though, the school day becomes a priority.

Because of this, it may not be possible for each parent to have the child for half of the week. Instead, parents should realistically look at the options and plan visits the work for the child. As with any schedule, it is vital that the joint custody and visitation schedule be made with the child’s best interest in mind.

Parents who make a schedule where the mother and father are both involved will be more likely to be satisfied with the schedule. This means that there will not be a court battle, or an endless saga of trying to get things changed. Instead, the parents can focus on parenting the child.

Example joint custody schedules include: alternating weeks, alternating days or every two days, the child living with one parent but having significant visitation with the other parent throughout the week, alternating custody every two weeks, setting up one schedule during the school year and an alternate schedule during the summer break to even out the time, etc.

In the last post we discussed some strategies for reducing conflict to make a parenting plan that works with the other parent. The goal when working with the other parent is to make a plan that both parents find acceptable and that focuses on the children. This way, parents can help the children adjust better to the new situation, and the plan is easier to follow. Here are some more ideas to help minimize the conflict.

Come prepared. It is easier to work out an agreement from ideas that you and the other parent have already thought of then to make one up together. Both the mother and father should have multiple ideas for how to execute certain parts of the agreement. This should be done so the parents can look at the ideas and alter them so they fit. Don’t expect your plans to just be accepted. Use them as a springboard to figure out the final plan. For example, it is smart for both parents to come up with a few variants on a visitation schedule and to bring them to the meeting. The parents can then talk about the benefits of each schedule and change things around to make it work better.

Look for ways you agree. In many cases, a parent will suggest something and the other parent agrees with part of it. When you reply, you should start by pointing out what you agree with and then build on that. For example, the other parent says “I want the children on the weekends.”  Instead of saying “I want weekends too!” you can say “Weekends are a good time to have the children, and it is fair for you to have time with them on the weekends. I’d like to have some of the weekends too, so let’s come up with a schedule that gives both of us time with the children on the weekends.”

Listen. This is huge. Instead of focusing on your reply as the other parent talks, actually stop and listen to what is being said. Actively listen and try to understand where the parent is coming from. Take the suggestions seriously and pay attention so the other parent feels heard. This can be difficult, and you may not feel like the other parent listens to you. However, if you try to listen carefully, the other parent will probably catch onto your example and start giving you the same courtesy.

Attend custody mediation. If you really can’t make any progress on the plan, you can go to custody mediation. In mediation, you and the other parent will work with a third person to make an agreement. The third person brings up concerns and focuses your attention on the children. Parents who attend mediation have a high success rate–even if they are very high conflict. The mediator can bring good, outside perspective to help you get another viewpoint on your plan. This can be very helpful.

A meeting between divorced and separated parents to talk about the parenting agreement typically goes like this. The parents begin by talking about an issue, let’s say the holiday schedule. One parent makes a suggestion and the other parent doesn’t quite agree. Pretty soon, they are heatedly arguing about things that happened to cause the divorce. There are insults, yelling, and high emotion. The meeting ends abruptly as one parent storms out of the room.

Is there any hope for parents who simply cannot get along to make a parenting agreement that works? Or are these parents doomed to go to court and let a judge determine the agreement?

Fortunately, even with high conflict couples, there are ways to manage conflict and work through the necessary issues. It isn’t always easy, but the end result can be an agreement that both parents support and that meets the needs of the child. In this and the following post, we’ll discuss some strategies for reducing conflict so you can make your custody agreement.

Set up a meeting place. It is best if both parents can approach the meeting like they would a business meeting. The mother and father should choose a comfortable place to meet where they can freely talk about the necessary issues. Parents should both agree to the place, and they should agree on a time frame for the meetings. You will most likely have to meet multiple times with the other parent, so it is wise to set smaller meetings more frequently so that you don’t get exhausted at the end of each meeting. Pick a neutral environment that doesn’t make you feel rushed.

Have a plan for each meeting. One or both of the parents should make an agenda for the meeting. This can be done at the end of the previous meeting by the parents deciding what they will discuss in the next meeting, or one parent can make the agenda if they other parent is willing to follow it. The parents should go over the list of topics they are discussing and should diligently stick to the list. If one parent starts to argue or bring up something from the past, the other parent can gently remind them about the topic at hand.

Start with subjects that will be easier to work out. You don’t want to sit down in your meeting and immediately declare “We’re going to decide who gets full custody of the children, and I think it should be me.” This is an explosive issue and will not be easily worked out. It is best to start with smaller issues that you know you can come to some kind of agreement on. If there is very little you agree on, then you want to start by agreeing that you both want what is best for the child. Outline some general principles you want to follow to make things good for the child, like “We want to make a plan that encourages the child to participate in many activities at school.” When things get heated, you can go back to this foundation to give both you and the other parent some perspective.

Focus on what you really want. It is good to remember that you want a custody agreement that works for your child, not just custody of the child. Too often when emotion takes over people forget about what they really want. Instead of remembering the child, a parent will suddenly want to win the argument at any cost and get their way. This is a surefire way to end communication. You can begin each meeting by verbalizing what you want out of the meeting. You can say something like “I want an agreement that really benefits our child and allows both of us to be involved with him. When we discuss the following issues I want to focus on how all of our decisions benefit the child.” If an argument begins, think about your child and what you really want for her. Then verbalize it again. You can say something like, “We both want what is best for the child, even though we see things differently. Let’s both calmly explain how what we’ve suggested helps the child and make our decision based on that.”

Most parents spend a great deal of time working out the child custody and visitation schedule for their parenting plan. The parenting plan schedule directly affects how often each parent sees the child, so both parents have a very vested interest in how the schedule turns out. Here are some suggestions when setting up this crucial document.

Try to work with the other parent. Yes, we know. This can seem impossible. Even in the best situations, it is still difficult to sit down with the other parent and rationally explore options for when each of you will see the children. Add to the mix all of the emotions that are still brewing from the divorce, and it can turn into a disaster. However, when parents are able to work out something together rather than leaving it to the court, they are much happier with the schedule. This means that both parents are more likely to follow the schedule. So, the child has a more stable environment and can adjust better to the new situation. Really, the child benefits from this, so parents should do everything in their power to make it happen.

Appropriately include your child. Now, obviously if you child is three years old, you are not going to ask her where she wants to live. However, if your child is sixteen years old, he may have a strong preference that you should listen to. As your children get older, they can offer helpful suggestions for working out the schedule. This can be good, especially as children become more and more involved in activities and they need to have visitation that works around it. For younger children, it is best to set up the best arrangement you have and see how they react to it. If they seem to have a difficult time adjusting every time they come home, you should talk about the schedule with them and appropriately ask if there is something that would make it better for them.

Work from a parenting plan schedule template. Custody X Change offers a great parenting plan template that allows parents to make a parenting schedule. This can be invaluable because a mother and father can set up any type of schedule that works for their situation. A lot of templates simply offer pre-determined solutions that aren’t able to be customized for a situation. With Custody X Change, parents can look at different schedule options and easily make changes to improve the schedule.

Create a temporary schedule until you feel ready to make the permanent schedule. If you have recently separated or divorced, you may not be ready to make a schedule that will last forever. Instead of focusing on a permanent schedule, make a temporary parenting schedule to last for six months or so. This should give you some time to figure out the different issues and observe how your child handles visitation. This can give you valuable insight into the best way to make the permanent schedule. And, it takes the immediate pressure off so you don’t rush into anything.

It’s that time of year–summer is just around the corner, and people are making plans for vacations. This can be a difficult subject for divorced and separated parents, unless they have figured out vacation time in their parenting plan and custody agreement. Because all parents want to have fun with their children, here is how to handle vacation time in the parenting plan.

First, the mother and father need to decide how they will schedule the vacations. Some parents choose to have specified vacations–meaning that each parent has specific dates every year when they can take the children on vacation–while others choose to have unspecified vacations–meaning that each parent is allotted so much vacation time per year that they can take with advance notice to the other parent. Generally, to take an unspecified vacation, the parent must let the other parent know thirty days in advance. Both parents should have equal vacation time in the parenting time schedule. The parents should also decide if there is makeup visitation for the other parent when the children miss it because they are on vacation.

Once the parents have determined the vacation schedule, they should set some rules for vacation time. The mother and father need to discuss the acceptable areas to travel. Can the parents take the children out of state? How about out of the country? Does the parent planning the vacation have to get permission to take the child far away?

Parents can also choose to require each parent to give the other parent a travel itinerary before going on vacation–this can help the parents feel more comfortable with what is going on.

The plan should also include rules about acceptable activities to do with the children while on vacation. Are the children allowed to go skydiving? How about rock climbing? Parents can make a rule in the plan that the parent must discuss certain activities with the other parent before taking the children on them.

It is best to establish these rules right in the custody agreement so that the parents know exactly what to do. Then, a parent can head to the beach and relax with the children!

In this last post about parenting time schedules, we’ll look at some common shared parenting time schedules. Here are three more to think about.

3-3-4-4 Schedule

In this schedule, the first parent has the children for 3 days, the second parent has the children for 3 days, the first parent has the children for 4 days and the second parent then has the children for 4 days. It basically splits the week in half.

2-2-5-5 Schedule

This is a similar schedule to the one above, except the rotation is 2-2-5-5. So, the first parent has the children 2 days, the second parent has the children 2 days, the first parent has the children 5 days, and the second parent has the children 5 days. The schedule can be started any day of the week so the parents have different days.

Ackerman Custody Schedule

In this schedule, the parents set up two different parenting time schedules in the year. They do this so that the parents still have about equal time with the children, but the children can have a more stable home life. For example, the parents will set up a schedule for the children during the school year where they live primarily with one parent. Then they have a summer and winter break schedule where the children live primarily with the other parent. These schedules can be set up using any of the schedules we’ve already shown.

In continuing to look at examples of parenting time schedules for your parenting agreement, we’re going to look at some common schedules where the parents have more equal time with the children.

Alternating Weeks

In this schedule, the parents simply alternate weeks with the children. You can choose what day to switch, and you can also alternate every two weeks.

Alternating Weeks with Mid-Week Visits

This schedule is the same as above, but each parent has a visit sometime during the week. The visit can be an overnight visit (shown) or an evening visit. The parents can also schedule multiple visits.

2-2-3 Parenting Time Schedule

In this schedule, one parent has the children for 2 days, the other parent then has the child for 2 days, and then the child goes back to the first parent for 3 days. The schedule keeps rotating, and the child goes to the second parent for 2 days, the first parent for 2 days, and the second parent for 3 days.

In the final post in this series, we’ll take a look at some other common joint custody schedules.