Child Custody & Visitation Blog

Another great custody resource is the book Custody Chaos, Personal Peace by Jeffrey P. Wittmann. In this book, Wittmann explains how parents can have personal peace of mind concerning the custody situation, even when there are problems with the other parent. He has a lot of really good advice for helping parents handle difficult situations by being both assertive and respectful. It really is a great book.

Something I really think is applicable in the book is how to act when the other parent gets angry. This applies when you negotiate your custody agreement, when you want to modify the custody schedule after it’s in place, when you need to discuss problems with the other parent, etc. Here are some highlights of what Wittmann suggests for dealing with the anger of the other parent.

Wittmann states that there are three “strategic responses” to an attack from the other parent: “calming yourself, attempting to disarm your attacker and render him or her at least neutral, and countering the attack.” For each strategy, he has some tactics that can help.

1. Stay Calm

This can be extremely difficult. It is a natural response to become defensive when someone attacks us. However, Wittmann points out that responding defensively or angry to the other parent’s anger will only make the situation work. Here are some ideas he suggests for staying calm when the other parent becomes angry.

• A pause of silence. Before you say something–wait. Have a few seconds, or even a minute or two of silence. Take this time to relax and take some deep breaths so that you can respond well to the anger. Wittmann says, “carefully placed silence can, almost literally, disarm your ex. To make it especially effective, follow the silence with a question: ‘Why don’t you tell me what you would suggest? I’ll just sit and listen for a bit’.”
• See through the anger. Try to see the emotions that have fueled the anger–usually these are tender feelings.  Wittmann says, “The goal here is to focus less on your ex’s anger or resistance and more on the essential feelings behind the curtain. This will allow you to respond with clarity, compassion, and if necessary, firm resolve.”
• Take a time out. If the other parent gets anger, call a time out. Explain that things are too heated for you and you’d like to come back to the issue. During the time out take deep breaths to relax and remove yourself emotionally from the situation.

2. Disarm Your Ex

• Ask a Question. Find out why your ex is angry. From Wittmann: “When in doubt, ask. It’s a good strategy for just about anything in life, and it’s a great way to respond to resistance on your ex’s part.” You can simply ask questions like, “I didn’t know this would bother you, what doesn’t work for you?”
• Concede a point. If the other parent has valid reasons why something will not work, admit that you were wrong.
• Stay focused. “Your focus, remember, is not to win an argument or to blast your ex but to reach an agreement. Stay on that focus. Your original solution is proving unworkable? Drop it.”
• Suggest an experiment. Instead of wanting to suddenly make permanent changes, ask the other parent to think about experimenting with the change to see how it goes.

3. Make a Bold Move

• Name the game. If the other parent is acting in a dysfunctional way, call them out on in (in a respectful way).
• Repeat yourself. Many times the other parent will not admit that you are right. So, “first express some understanding for his/her feelings, and then repeat clearly and firmly what it is you want from him/her.”
• Offer a choice. “In offering a choice to your ex, you are simply making a statement about what the other person’s options are and about how you intend to behave in your own life.”

Of course, the book is much more thorough than this outline. I really recommend this book to any parent who has any challenges with the custody situation.

What’s a visitation timeshare calculator? Can it help you in your custody situation?

A visitation timeshare calculator calculates the percentage of time that the mother and father have with the children. So, if you have a this calculator when you set up your custody and visitation schedule, you will know the exact amount of time that each parent has with the children. This is very helpful for parents as they set up a schedule, and it is also necessary to figure out child support. Every state determines child support a little differently, but pretty much every state uses some variation of the visitation timeshare in the calculation. Generally speaking, the parent who has the most time with the child gets child support. In figuring out what the other parent will pay, the court factors in the visitation timeshare of that parent–the more time the parent has with the children, the less child support that parent pays.

Let’s look at a true examples of how a parenting timeshare calculator have helped people in their custody situations. Doug Conway, from Fargo, North Dakota, shared this story:

“I entered into what seemed to be a reasonable mediated settlement and was due to sign it in a few days. I was uncertain about some of the provisions of the visitation schedule as proposed, so I searched the internet for some way to help me sort it all out, and I found Custody X Change [which has a visitation timeshare calculator]. I downloaded the free trial, entered the terms of the proposed visitation schedule, and was shocked at what I saw. There in clear graphic as well as report views, Custody X Change showed me how the visitation schedule as proposed would result in far less time with my son than the paperwork had led me to believe. It also revealed multiple weekends in a row without any visitation at all, due to the proposed holiday and special event schedule. I printed off the schedule and brought it to the next mediation meeting. As a result, I was able to change the proposed schedule to avoid the problems. Without Custody X Change, I would have signed the proposed agreement and found out about the problems and conflicts only after it was too late. Custody X Change took the raw date that I had been staring at for days, and in a few minutes, gave me a crystal clear picture of the resulting schedule.”

Doug was able to use the timeshare calculator in Custody X Change to help him see the true picture of the schedule. This is one of the benefits of the software–you can enter in your schedule and see the exact time that you have with the children. Then you can know for certain that you have a shared schedule, or that you have fair visitation time.

If your son opts to stay at mom’s on your visitation time, declines to talk to you on the phone or tries to run away when visiting you, he might be suffering from Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS).  PAS is the scientific term for when a child shows a strong preference for one parent over the other after a divorce.  Sometimes this preference starts showing up even before the divorce.  However, PAS is by definition associated with the post-divorce proceedings related to child custody and visitation. If the divorce process can be painful for your children, the aftermath can be devastating.

In the late 1970’s a significant increment of false accusations between spouses in contested divorce cases was noticed.  Allegations of physical or sexual abuse became the favorite litigation weapon among splitting couples.  Parents would program and brainwash their children in order to make them believe their ex-spouse was malicious.  The number of cases involving false allegations was so high that it raised a concern among behavioral professionals.  The term PAS was first used by the psychologist Richard Gardner in 1985 and he specifically used it within the context of divorce and the effects on children of custody and visitation battles.  In his book, Gardner identifies three levels of PAS: mild, moderate and severe.

In the mild level, there is some animosity against the targeted parent, but the child is still able to participate in the scheduled visitations and to relate.  The brainwashing campaign is just kicking in.  The child starts to show that he dislikes you.  He contradicts everything you say.  If you suggest he do something, he will come up with his own idea. He does not agree with you in anything.  At a moderate PAS level, the child’s animosity against the aligned parent is displayed more obviously: the kid absolutely refuses to share time with you, or if he does, he tries to run away causing you to call the police, something he “will never forget”.  He does not want to talk to you, not even play or go shopping with you.  He can’t stand you, regardless of how much you try to earn his favor, he hates you.

Severe PAS is characterized by the fact that the child’s depreciation and hate towards you becomes the main and only focus in his mind.  His thoughts of hate now translate into actions.  Not only does he hates you, but he wants to be sure that you know it. To hate you and to show you how much he hates you becomes his primary concern.  Severe PAS is generally related to a long and stressful contested divorce proceeding and the strenuous custody fight usually following it. At this level, if not treated, PAS can have permanent detrimental psychic effect upon your child.  It can also jeopardize your life, your reputation and your own sanity.  One case of severe PAS was determined on a 14 year old girl whose mother engaged in a new romantic relationship two years after breaking up with her dad.  The jealous and revengeful father managed to convince the girl that his future step father would sexually abuse her.  The father threatened the mom that if she pursue that relationship, he would request sole custody of his daughter and that she would never see her again.  One week after her mom’s wedding, at the hearing prompted by the father seeking sole custody, the girl testified in court about how her mother’s fiancée sexually molested her. The court ordered an evaluation.  During her interview the girl admitted to the case worker that she did it to please her “poor” father because he was lonely now. Another case of severe PAS was diagnosed on a 10 year old boy who tried to poison his father during one of his visits, and in another who tried to burn down the house.

What kind of parent would brainwash their child to the point of inducing hate and denigration towards the other parent?

Studies have come with a few answers to this question.  Some researches have found that in the majority of the severe cases the alienating parent is mentally disturbed. He or she is either a narcissist or suffers from some type of personality disorder.  Revenge has been a common reason why many parents engage in alienating behavior.  Lack of self-identity, the need for your children to fulfill the needs caused by the break-up, loneliness, despair, grievance, all these can be motivating factors of the alienating parent.

Not everyone gets away with using their children for such despiteful purposes.  In many cases the alienating parent ends up losing custody of the child, because eventually the court finds out that it is not in the child’s best interest to relate to the disturbed parent.

A child custody petition can mean several things in a custody situation. Here are some of the ways that this phrase is used.

1. A child custody petition is a custody form that begins a custody case. In some states, a parent files a custody petition to get a case started. After the first parent files the petition, the other parent has the opportunity to respond. The case then moves on from there.

2. A child custody petition is a form where a parent requests custody. Sometimes a custody petition refers to one parent seeking custody of the child. This form usually requires that the parent also turn in a custody agreement or parenting plan that contains a regular custody schedule, a holiday schedule, vacation time, and any special events.

3. A custody petition can be a request for a child custody modification. If a parent wants the current custody order changed, they can file a petition for a custody modification.

We get a lot of feedback from parents who are involved in their custody case. Some of these parents hire a child custody lawyer to help them work things out and prepare for court. Here are some of the suggestions we have heard that can help parents who are looking to find the right child custody attorney for their situation.

1. Look for competence. We’ve heard stories from people who hire a custody lawyer because the lawyer professed an interest in fathers’ or mothers’ rights. Don’t get taken in by that. Any lawyer you hire will fight for your rights–because you are paying them to do so. An attorney who says they specialize in a particular parents’ rights may use that to build up clients, instead of relying on their track record. Look for an attorney who has a history of doing well in court and who has positive recommendations from previous clients.

2. You want your attorney on the same page as you. As you look around for a custody lawyer, know what you want your lawyer to accomplish. Perhaps you are hoping that your attorney can work with the other parent and avoid a messy child custody battle. Maybe you only need a little help filing some forms and you don’t want anything more than that. Or, maybe you need an aggressive attorney because the child’s other parent is being unreasonable. Think of how you want your lawyer to help you and ask questions to help you determine if a particular attorney can provide that help.

Along with this idea, you should look for an attorney with the mindset that you are an employer looking for someone to work for you. You are paying your lawyer for the work that they do, so you are the person who ultimately controls what will happen. We have heard some tragic stories from some parents who use custody software to make a great custody agreement, only to have their attorney ignore it or become angry. Before you start a professional relationship with an attorney, find out their views on you helping with the case–using custody software, doing your own homework, etc. You don’t want to work with a lawyer who won’t let you do any of your own work because the lawyer wants to make more money.

3. Look around until you find the right attorney. Some parents hurry and hire the first lawyer they speak to. Take a little time and investigate. Most attorneys are willing to discuss how they will handle your case before you hire them. Be prepared to ask questions so you find the right person. And, if at any time you are unhappy with your attorney, don’t hesitate to talk to them about changes that need to happen. If you are still unsatisfied, you can always look for another lawyer. Remember that you are paying someone to help you figure out your child custody case. If you aren’t happy with the results, you can can pay someone else.

Last week we revealed the new tracking feature that Custody X Change offers. We’re excited to have this additional feature in the software and we think it can be very useful for parents and their child custody.

Tracking is important for child custody arrangements because parents should be aware of how much actual time they’re spending with their child in comparison with the scheduled time. Let’s say a mother is granted custody of the children and the father has visitation one overnight a week and every other weekend. Once the agreement is in place, the mother calls and asks if the father can babysit the children an extra night a week. He’s happy to get the time so he agrees. Then the one extra night a week turns into two extra nights…then three. The mother is also dropping the kids off early for the weekend and letting them stay later.

Should the father just be happy he’s getting more time with the children? Well, that is probably the case. The father should also be aware of the fact that he is paying child support for all of the extra time he has with the children because the child support is based on the time-share percentage. And, if the father is the primary caretaker of the children, he should be the custodial parent–that should be the legal arrangement. If the father keeps track of all the extra time he has with the children over a few month period, he will be prepared to go back to court and show the difference between the scheduled time and the actual time (Custody X Change provides this convenient number and gives you an easy way to keep track of the changes).

Tracking is also very helpful in the reverse situation. Let’s take the same custody agreement from above,  only this time the mother frequently forgets to drop off the children for their overnight visit or she schedules things for the children during this time. And, she always has excuses and reasons for dropping the kids off late for the weekend visit and needing to pick them up early. If the father keeps track of all the missed visitation, in a few months he will be prepared to go to court and show how the custody agreement isn’t being honored. He can even let the mother know he is keeping track–usually if a parent knows the other one is tracking things, they are more likely to follow the rules.

In the next post we’ll look at the specific feature in Custody X Change that makes it easy to track.