In the last post we discussed some strategies for reducing conflict to make a parenting plan that works with the other parent. The goal when working with the other parent is to make a plan that both parents find acceptable and that focuses on the children. This way, parents can help the children adjust better to the new situation, and the plan is easier to follow. Here are some more ideas to help minimize the conflict.
Come prepared. It is easier to work out an agreement from ideas that you and the other parent have already thought of then to make one up together. Both the mother and father should have multiple ideas for how to execute certain parts of the agreement. This should be done so the parents can look at the ideas and alter them so they fit. Don’t expect your plans to just be accepted. Use them as a springboard to figure out the final plan. For example, it is smart for both parents to come up with a few variants on a visitation schedule and to bring them to the meeting. The parents can then talk about the benefits of each schedule and change things around to make it work better.
Look for ways you agree. In many cases, a parent will suggest something and the other parent agrees with part of it. When you reply, you should start by pointing out what you agree with and then build on that. For example, the other parent says “I want the children on the weekends.” Instead of saying “I want weekends too!” you can say “Weekends are a good time to have the children, and it is fair for you to have time with them on the weekends. I’d like to have some of the weekends too, so let’s come up with a schedule that gives both of us time with the children on the weekends.”
Listen. This is huge. Instead of focusing on your reply as the other parent talks, actually stop and listen to what is being said. Actively listen and try to understand where the parent is coming from. Take the suggestions seriously and pay attention so the other parent feels heard. This can be difficult, and you may not feel like the other parent listens to you. However, if you try to listen carefully, the other parent will probably catch onto your example and start giving you the same courtesy.
Attend custody mediation. If you really can’t make any progress on the plan, you can go to custody mediation. In mediation, you and the other parent will work with a third person to make an agreement. The third person brings up concerns and focuses your attention on the children. Parents who attend mediation have a high success rate–even if they are very high conflict. The mediator can bring good, outside perspective to help you get another viewpoint on your plan. This can be very helpful.