If your son opts to stay at mom’s on your visitation time, declines to talk to you on the phone or tries to run away when visiting you, he might be suffering from Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). PAS is the scientific term for when a child shows a strong preference for one parent over the other after a divorce. Sometimes this preference starts showing up even before the divorce. However, PAS is by definition associated with the post-divorce proceedings related to child custody and visitation. If the divorce process can be painful for your children, the aftermath can be devastating.
In the late 1970’s a significant increment of false accusations between spouses in contested divorce cases was noticed. Allegations of physical or sexual abuse became the favorite litigation weapon among splitting couples. Parents would program and brainwash their children in order to make them believe their ex-spouse was malicious. The number of cases involving false allegations was so high that it raised a concern among behavioral professionals. The term PAS was first used by the psychologist Richard Gardner in 1985 and he specifically used it within the context of divorce and the effects on children of custody and visitation battles. In his book, Gardner identifies three levels of PAS: mild, moderate and severe.
In the mild level, there is some animosity against the targeted parent, but the child is still able to participate in the scheduled visitations and to relate. The brainwashing campaign is just kicking in. The child starts to show that he dislikes you. He contradicts everything you say. If you suggest he do something, he will come up with his own idea. He does not agree with you in anything. At a moderate PAS level, the child’s animosity against the aligned parent is displayed more obviously: the kid absolutely refuses to share time with you, or if he does, he tries to run away causing you to call the police, something he “will never forget”. He does not want to talk to you, not even play or go shopping with you. He can’t stand you, regardless of how much you try to earn his favor, he hates you.
Severe PAS is characterized by the fact that the child’s depreciation and hate towards you becomes the main and only focus in his mind. His thoughts of hate now translate into actions. Not only does he hates you, but he wants to be sure that you know it. To hate you and to show you how much he hates you becomes his primary concern. Severe PAS is generally related to a long and stressful contested divorce proceeding and the strenuous custody fight usually following it. At this level, if not treated, PAS can have permanent detrimental psychic effect upon your child. It can also jeopardize your life, your reputation and your own sanity. One case of severe PAS was determined on a 14 year old girl whose mother engaged in a new romantic relationship two years after breaking up with her dad. The jealous and revengeful father managed to convince the girl that his future step father would sexually abuse her. The father threatened the mom that if she pursue that relationship, he would request sole custody of his daughter and that she would never see her again. One week after her mom’s wedding, at the hearing prompted by the father seeking sole custody, the girl testified in court about how her mother’s fiancée sexually molested her. The court ordered an evaluation. During her interview the girl admitted to the case worker that she did it to please her “poor” father because he was lonely now. Another case of severe PAS was diagnosed on a 10 year old boy who tried to poison his father during one of his visits, and in another who tried to burn down the house.
What kind of parent would brainwash their child to the point of inducing hate and denigration towards the other parent?
Studies have come with a few answers to this question. Some researches have found that in the majority of the severe cases the alienating parent is mentally disturbed. He or she is either a narcissist or suffers from some type of personality disorder. Revenge has been a common reason why many parents engage in alienating behavior. Lack of self-identity, the need for your children to fulfill the needs caused by the break-up, loneliness, despair, grievance, all these can be motivating factors of the alienating parent.
Not everyone gets away with using their children for such despiteful purposes. In many cases the alienating parent ends up losing custody of the child, because eventually the court finds out that it is not in the child’s best interest to relate to the disturbed parent.